


Clinging to the ruin of your broken home

by DreamerGirl



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by Music, Introspection, M/M, Modern Era, Night Talks, Nightmares, Nothing Really Happens Here, Post-Canon, Pre-Slash, Sort Of, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, basically just me trying to deal with my feelings, just a lot of talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 09:07:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22847662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamerGirl/pseuds/DreamerGirl
Summary: Arthur is back, but for Merlin it's still hard to believe it.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 71





	Clinging to the ruin of your broken home

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!  
> This little thing was inspired by Vancouver Sleep Clinic's song "Someone To Stay". The title comes from there, too.  
> It's not my best work, I think (also because I don't usually write in English), but I'm quite fond of it. Hope you like it!  
> English is not my first language, so if you spot any mistake please let me know.

It was the middle of the night but Merlin couldn’t sleep. So, like he did almost every night, he crawled out of the bed and peeked into the guest room. Even in the almost total darkness, he could see Arthur sleeping and hear him breathing deeply.  
It was still hard for him to believe that Arthur was really back.  
Merlin knew he’d been alone for too much time, afraid of what he knew he was going to lose eventually, if he let himself got attached to someone else.  
Arthur’s death had taught him that he wasn’t invincible, that even though he -apparently- was the greatest sorcerer to ever walk on earth, all his powers weren’t enough to get what he wanted and loved the most. But, above all, Arthur’s death made him understand that immortality is a burden, more than a blessing.  
He had spent centuries defending Albion, not only for Arthur and the prize he had to pay for it, but also because he loved and cared about these people. They were the sons, nephews, children of the people he knew when he was Arthur’s servant. But even its destiny, eventually, had slipped out of his hands.  
He then had decided to spend the remaining time before Arthur’s return on the shores of the lake of Avalon, waiting. At some point he was certain that he was going to lose his mind: he’d been alone for centuries and still didn’t know how long he would have to wait, or even whether the day of Arthur’s return would actually come.  
Eventually, though, everything he had dreamed of for over 1500 years had finally happened. Arthur had returned, and the weight of all the years spent waiting for him had disappeared only by seeing him. There were things, however, that not even Arthur’s constant presence could solve. It would take a long, long time to get rid of that feeling of loneliness that seemed unwilling to let him go.  
Arthur moved and turned in his sleep, now facing the door. Merlin didn’t want him to think that he was a creep for staring at him while he was sleeping, so he left. Or, at least, he tried. Turning, he stumbled upon a pair of shoes. He cursed under his breath, hoping with all his heart that Arthur was still asleep.  
-Merlin? -  
_Never mind._  
-Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you- he whispered, coming back in Arthur’s eyesight.  
Arthur had turned the night lamp on and was looking at him with sleepy eyes. – What are you doing? It’s the middle of the night.-  
Merlin knew that lying wasn’t an option. Even when he was half asleep, Arthur was able to read him like a damn open book. So, he decided not to answer the question at all and just avoid the subject. – It’s nothing. I just couldn’t sleep.-  
By the look on Arthur’s face, who was now completely awake, he realized that maybe he _did_ answer the question, after all.  
Arthur didn’t move for such a long time that Merlin began to panic, until eventually, after almost a whole minute of silent staring, Arthur sat down on the bed and waved him in.  
_That_ was a new thing. Even in Camelot, they had always confided in each other. Usually, though, they never started a conversation about their feelings with the intention to be serious: they had always been more like the “I’m hinting that something’s wrong in the middle of a conversation about something else please help me figure out what to do but in a subtle way” kind of people. Merlin, however, couldn’t say that that was a worsening and eagerly went in and sat by his side. He knew Arthur was waiting for him to start talking, but he couldn’t give voice to his thoughts.  
He was surprised, therefore, when Arthur was the first one to speak. – I can’t know what it feels like to have been through all of that suffering on your own, and I know I can’t do anything to make the pain go away, especially because a lot of it is my fault. –  
Merlin looked at him. Arthur was glaring at the floor like it had just insulted him. He seemed lost in his thoughts, and angry, and _guilty_. Merlin had seen that look on his own face more times than he’d like to admit. -It’s not your fault- he said. He sounded tired and resigned even to his own ears.  
Arthur snorted. -I thought we were beyond lies, Merlin.-  
Merlin sighed. – It’s not a lie. That… Camlaan… was supposed to go that way. Nothing could have changed that. So, please, don’t blame yourself for something you had no control over.-  
-Anyway- the blond continued, as if he hadn’t heard (but Merlin noticed the grateful look he threw at him). – I can’t do anything about the past, but I swear I’ll always be there for you from now on. I’m not leaving you alone anymore, Merlin.-  
Merlin looked at him with wide eyes. It wasn’t like Arthur to make such statements and be so open about feelings. Arthur seemed, in fact, a little uncomfortable, but his eyes were sincere.  
Merlin knew that, if he tried to open his mouth, he would burst into tears, and he didn’t want it. Therefore, he smiled and nodded, then lowered his head to hide his glassy eyes.  
Arthur gave him a pat on the thigh. – Now let me sleep, it’s 4 a.m. You should do it, too, and maybe tomorrow you’ll look like a person instead of a zombie. –  
Despite himself, Merlin laughed. – All right- he agreed. His voice was still shaking but, if Arthur had noticed, he didn’t point it out. He stood up and hesitated, but then caressed the blonde locks of the king, lingering for a few moments. – Good night, Arthur.-  
Arthur smiled at him, and Merlin felt slightly better. –Good night, Merlin.-

Despite that reassurance, Merlin still found it difficult to sleep without checking whether Arthur was still with him. He was terrified, to say the least, to wake up and not finding him anymore. Or worst. Often, Arthur would wake up at hearing him getting closer, but he would still pretend to be asleep. Merlin knew he was faking it, and even if Arthur knew that Merlin knew, they still didn’t do anything to change the situation. It was better like that.

It had been three months since Arthur’s return when Merlin finally managed to scrape together a little more than a couple of hours of sleep. And again, it wasn’t a quiet night: he woke up in tears, with the images of the nightmare seared into his mind, and covered the small distance that separated the two rooms without worrying about being silent. He was too upset to just stand at the door, so he called him. His broken voice caused Arthur to immediately get up. – What happened, Merlin? – he asked, concern written all over his face.  
Merlin didn’t even hear him speaking. He had only one thought in his head: getting sure that Arthur was alive, for real, not just in his head. So, he threw himself into his arms and held him tight, starting to cry again when he realized it wasn’t just a dream.  
Arthur didn’t need to guess the reason why Merlin was sobbing on his chest. He had learnt to know his behaviours well enough to tell when it was something linked to Camelot, and specifically to the events right after Camlaan, that made Merlin upset.  
He couldn’t help but holding him with equal strength. – I’m here, Merlin. I’ve got you. I won’t leave you anymore.-  
He kept whispering reassurances in his hair until Merlin stopped crying. Even then, it took a long time before Merlin found the courage to get away, but without letting go of him completely. – I’m sorry.-  
-You don’t have to apologize- Arthur quickly replied. He took Merlin’s hand and gently guided him towards his bed. They sat down the closest they could, with their hands still entwined.  
-Do you want to talk about it? - Arthur tried to ask.  
Merlin, still shaking, shook his head and clutched Arthur’s hand even tighter.  
-You know you don’t have to hide from me anymore. We work better together.-  
Merlin knew those words weren’t meant like an accusation, but still, he only felt worse. Flashing of the nightmare he just had and the regret of keeping hidden from Arthur the only part of him that could have saved his life were still vivid.  
Arthur soon realized what he had said and opened his mouth, probably to apologize, but Merlin anticipated him. – No, you’re right. It’s just… it’s just absurd that it still affects me so much. It’s been so long, and now you’re here. I should be happy. I _am_ happy. But…– his voice broke.  
Arthur stayed silent. He tried to soothe Merlin by gently caressing his knuckles with his thumb, while he waited for him to continue.  
It took several minutes before Merlin was able to talk again. The hand in his tightened the grip and he took a deep breath before speaking. – I dreamt of Camlaan.-  
Arthur, although he was expecting it, stiffened. That was one of the few things they never talked about. He didn’t think he was ready to face it right in that moment, but he knew he had to. For Merlin, but also for himself.  
-It’s over. Mordred is gone. Morgana is gone. I’m alive and you are no longer alone. Camlaan belongs to the past and we have to leave it there, okay?– he said, trying to convince not only Merlin, but also himself. It was difficult to realize that it was really over. Even though more than 1500 years had passed from that day, for him it was still like it had only been a few months before.  
Merlin nodded. –I know. It’s just… since I arrived in Camelot… No, even _before_ I arrived in Camelot, my destiny was to keep you safe. And I failed.-  
Arthur let go of Merlin’s hand only to put his arm around his shoulders and bring him closer. -You didn’t- he responded. –I’m here now. This means you actually succeeded. I’d still be dead otherwise.-  
Merlin, who had meanwhile hidden his face in his chest, sighed. –I’m not sure that’s true.-  
-I’m the Once and Future King, Merlin. This means I’m always right.-  
Merlin chuckled, and Arthur felt a little relieved. –Clotpole.-  
Arthur smiled and buried his nose in Merlin's hair. -Still not a word.-  
That sat in silence, holding on each other, for a long time. Arthur had started to doze, and was almost sure that also Merlin had fallen asleep, eventually. But then he spoke again, making Arthur open his eyes. -I’ve never felt so useless… I don’t want to feel like that ever again.-  
Arthur gently caressed his back. – You won’t, I swear. We’re going to be fine.-  
Merlin’s laugh was bitter. – We will need at least another 1500 years to be fine.-  
-But we have them. - Arthur put a finger under his chin and lifted his face. He looked at him in the eye when he added: -We have all the time in the world, Merlin. It will be a long journey, but we’ll make it. _Together_.-  
Realization flashed in Merlin’s eyes. He looked at Arthur like he was seeing him for the first time and then, finally, seemed to calm down. Arthur smiled at him and returned to hold him tight.

Merlin was already out of the door when he turned back, as if to make sure that Arthur was still in the room. Arthur knew him well enough to know that he was hesitating. And, if he was being honest to himself, he didn’t want Merlin to go. Not that night. After all, Merlin wasn’t the only one whose world had turned upside down. He still felt self-conscious, from time to time, and Merlin was the only one who could make him feel safe. He needed Merlin more than he was willing to admit.  
So, he just said: -Stay.-  
Merlin stayed. He laid down on Arthur’s bed, the closest possible without touching the other man. Arthur rolled his eyes and pushed him against his side. –Don’t be stupid- he murmured.  
Merlin’s sigh was an admission of defeat, because he snuggled even closer and put his arms around Arthur’s waist. Arthur let him do what he wanted before carefully bringing his arms on his back, keeping him there.  
It was nice, to have him pressed against his chest. Arthur immediately felt at peace. Merlin was like the piece he had never realized he was missing. Now that they had found each other in a new world, Arthur was fully aware of how much he cared about the man in his arms and kept wondering how he had missed how good Merlin made him feel only by existing.  
Almost unintentionally, he started to run his fingers through Merlin’s hair. _Don’t ever leave me_ , he found himself thinking. _Just hold me close and never let me go_.  
As if Merlin had heard him, his arms tightened around him. -I won’t- Merlin whispered in his neck. -You know I won’t for the world.-  
Arthur blinked in confusion, but then he realized Merlin _did_ hear him. He was surprised to discover he didn’t care if he sounded weak and insecure. It was _Merlin_. He didn’t have to hide from him.  
He wanted so bad to say something, something he had felt for a long time, but he didn’t. It wasn’t the right time, and he had the feeling that Merlin knew it the same, even though they have never talked about it. After all, Arthur knew what Merlin’s feelings were. He had known since Camelot, deep down, even though he hadn’t realized it straight away.  
So he just smiled and kissed Merlin’s head. –The feeling is mutual.-

They fell asleep not long after that conversation, and woke up still in each other’s arms, feeling more rested than ever.  
Merlin smiled sleepily at Arthur and caressed his cheek with such tenderness that Arthur felt himself burst with love. He grabbed Merlin’s hand and kissed its knuckles, looking at the men in the eye. The hope –and yes, also the love- he saw in them confirmed what he had already known: they were going to be fine, as long as they stayed together.


End file.
